The message from the establishment parties for the election is a clear one, and it’s very important that you clowns in the electorate don’t get it wrong – you need to vote for The Lads.
They’re counting on you.
Firstly, let’s get one thing straight – you don’t matter.
Not unless you’re male, an en-tra-pan-oor, own a bank or a big building in London or Singapore, or live in a tax haven.
Your function in this is to vote for people who will look after the aforementioned, not to engage in all this crap about social justice and fairness and equality and all that nonsense.
Ireland, you see, is run for The Lads – sometimes by The Lads, but mostly for them. And you better not forget that.
Forward-looking nation that we are, there are some women among The Lads, but it is mostly men.
The Lads need you to work as cheaply as possible so that they can make as much money as possible off you.
The Lads also need you to pay as much tax as possible, so that they can pay as little as possible, and then lecture you about why they shouldn’t have to pay any at all.
The Lads also need you to pay your taxes and expect nothing in return.
That way, The Lads can start up private enterprises like creches and care homes and hospitals, and have a nice oul’ closed bid process where they divvy up the public money that they can get their mitts on.
Then The Lads can then charge you through the nose for things that you’ve already paid for, but that their mates in Leinster House have ensured cannot and will never work properly.
The Lads get to sweep up everything, from “social” housing to communications networks, and you will only ever get to own a share in them if they’re not making any money and never look like doing so ever again.
And ultimately, when it all goes wrong, The Lads will come back to you looking to be bailed out, because they can’t be expected to take these losses on their own – they’re The Lads, for fuck’s sake! Sure don’t we owe them everything!
And as for women, The Lads don’t like them much.
THey want control over their own bodies?! The cheek of them!
They want to be allowed into the boardrooms?! Over the dead bodies of The Lads!
They want to stand for election? IN OUR SEATS?!?!
If you are voting for Fine Gael, or Fianna Fáil or Labour, you are voting for The Lads.
You are voting to allow them to continue putting their hands in your pocket and take your money and your medical card and your dignity.
You are voting to return to power the guard dogs of The Lads, the very people who ensure that the benefits of trickle-down economics continue to flow upwards.
You are voting for stability – for The Lads.
You are voting for recovery – for The Lads.
You are voting for prosperity – for The Lads.
Now a situation might well arise where a few others at the bottom of the food chain might make a pound or two in the process, and that is entirely regrettable – but you can be sure that The Lads won’t be long knocking the craic out of it with a rent hike, or an increase in your premium, or your phone bill.
So remember – vote for The Lads.
They have a plan.
But it doesn’t include you.
And it never will.