IRISHMEN AND IRISHWOMEN: In the name of a god most of us have thankfully abandoned and of the dead generations from which she receives her old tradition of spin and whataboutery, Ireland, through us, summons her children to Twitter and Instagram to remember the centenary of 1916, a month before the fact.
Having organised and trained her manhood through her secret revolutionary organisation, the Meeja, and through her open organisations, Google and Facebook, having patiently perfected her memes, having resolutely not waited for the right moment to reveal itself, she now seizes that moment, and supported by her exiled children in broadcasting and by gallant allies in Bórd Fáilte, but relying in the ﬁrst on her own self-righteousness, she strikes in full conﬁdence of whitewash.
We declare the right of the wealthy people of Ireland to the ownership of Ireland and to the unfettered control of Irish destinies, to be sovereign and indefeasible. The long usurpation of that right by poor people and their entitlement culture has not extinguished the right, nor can it ever be extinguished except by the destruction of the self-made entrepreneurs and the Web Summit.
In every generation the wealthy Irish have asserted their right to national freedom and sovereignty, mostly in the pages of the Sunday Independent; every week for what feels like the past three hundred years they have asserted it in print.
Standing on that fundamental right and again asserting it in print in the face of the Internet, we hereby proclaim the Irish Republic of the Wealthy as a Sovereign Independent State, and we pledge our lives and in particular the lives of the poor to the cause of its freedom, of its welfare, and of its exaltation among the hedge funds.
The Irish Republic of the Wealthy is entitled to, and hereby claims, the allegiance, labour and assets of every Irishman and Irishwoman. The Republic guarantees religious and civil liberty to some, equal rights and equal opportunities to men that can afford them, and declares its resolve to pursue the happiness and prosperity of the whole nation and of all its parts, cherishing all of the children of the nation equally as long as they are born into money, and oblivious of the differences carefully fostered by parliamentary democracy, which has very occasionally divided a minority from the majority in the past.
Until our arms have brought the opportune moment for the establishment of a permanent National Government based on neoliberalism and the musings of Oprah, representative of the wealthy people of Ireland and elected by the suffrages of all her wealthiest men and women, the Provisional Government, hereby constituted, will administer the civil and military affairs of the Republic in trust for the people, in conjunction with the Germans, the EU and the IMF.
We place the cause of the Irish Republic under the protection of the Most High Corporate Tax Rate, whose blessing we invoke upon our black box trading systems, and we pray that no one who serves that cause will dishonour it by generosity, humanity, or charity. In this supreme hour the Irish nation must, by its valour and discipline, and by the readiness of its children to sacriﬁce themselves for the common good of the wealthy, prove itself worthy of the august destiny to which some of us are called, and which the rest of us will have to put up with.
Signed on your behalf by people better than you.